Lets Laugh Together - 1

- Why do some couples make their status "single" every time they fight. I don't put "orphan" when I get into fights with my parents.

- I'm painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.

- My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry

- “Beauty sleep” is such bullshit I sleep 12 hours a day and I still look like a trashcan.

- During a math test: Me: my answer = 23 Answer choices: 170, 195, 264, 362 Me: well 170 is closest to 23, so that must be the answer.

- If Jim has 50 chocolate bars, and eats 45, what does he have? Diabetes. Jim has diabetes.

- “k”, “ok”, and “okay” are 3 very different things

- My biggest fear is falling and dying in the shower and my family finding me naked.

- "You've changed." "I know, I'm a Transformer."

- Family: "You're so pretty! I bet all the guys are after you!" School: "Someone poke it with a stick, see if it bites..."

- I wish I had a cute laugh but instead I sound like a dying seal.

- What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit.

- Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

- Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left? Me: 10

- I’m not a morning person or a night time person I don’t think I’m even a person

- Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument youll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

- A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

- Me: Hello 911, there's like a thousand dead people here! Police: where are you???????? Me: At the cemetery.

- I don't know why people take me so seriously. I never even know what I'm saying.

- I love the feeling when someone cancels plans that you didn't want to attend anyways.

- *Twitter's not working* Me: "Hey, I have an oppurtunity to do something with my life!" *1 minute later* *refresh, refresh, refresh*

- "H3yy, wh@t R y0uu dO!nq?" "About to throw a dictionary at your damn face."

- *looking at my old pictures* me: me: me: me: me: me: me: Did I seriously look like this? how come no one told me?

More?

https://twitter.com/comedytexts