Jokes :D (Comedy Or Truth? )

-> My mom thinks my friends are bad influences. But honestly, I'm usually the one coming up with the ideas.

-> Me: Okay it's 7 am. Me: I should get up. Me: Just five seconds. Me: Five minutes. Me: Five hours. Me: Five days. Me: Five years.

-> "Page 404 not found." But I wasn't even looking for page 404..

-> "Hey come with me to the store." "NO." "I'll buy you something." "Ok."

-> I laugh even harder when I try to explain why I'm laughing.

->I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."

-> I wish I could borrow Google's brain for exams.

-> I act completely normal around my parents. But as soon as I'm with my friends, I'm like the energizer bunny on drugs.

-> Student + Dying = Studying.

-> FRIENDS: "I don't have any lunch money." "Aww, here's $5." BEST FRIENDS: "I dont have any lunch money." "Good, you were getting fat anyway."

-> Me for Christmas: I want a boyfriend. Santa: Let's be realistic lol.

-> Teacher: "I am beautiful. What tense is this?" Me: "Obviously, the past."

-> Police: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "Because you were bored and wanted someone to talk to?"

-> I hate it when I make plans, get all excited, then my mom says "No."

-> Rule of math: If it seems easy, you're doing it wrong.

-> "I can't wait until school starts again!" School starts- "I can't wait till summer!"

-> Are you as bored as I am? Read that backwards, it still makes sense.

-> Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm Pregnant."

-> Friend: "Where are you?" You: "Robbing a bank." Friend: "Omg really?" You: "No wtf! You called my house phone where do you think I am?"

-> My study breaks are longer than my actual study time.

-> *Working hard on homework* Phone: 1 new message! *Picks up phone to reply and mom comes in* Mom: "So, You've been texting this whole time!"

-> When I am available no one texts me. But when I am busy, BAM. Still no one texts me.

-> Friend: Hey dude, you washing your car? Me: Nope, I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus.

-> Me: 5 push ups. Me: Olympics 2016 here I come.

-> Buy a ship. Name it relation. Sit in it. You are in a relationship.

-> Math questions are so stupid. They’re all like- “If I have 30 chocolate bars and I eat 29, what do I have?” I don’t know, diabetes maybe?

-> Spongebob: “Can you hear me?” Patrick: “No, It’s too dark.”

-> I'm not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

-> Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman.

-> Roses are red. Violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

-> What I hate most about Twitter: Finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit.

-> This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.

-> I hate when people see me at the store and they're like- "Hey, what are you doing here?" I'm like-- "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

-> "Who are you texting?" *smiles* "No one."

-> Eating popcorn: 80% during the trailers and 20% during the movie.

-> I miss being a little kid. You can fall asleep on the sofa and magically transfer to your bed.

->“Can I ask you something?” “You're already asking.”

-> How to do Math: 1. Write down question. 2. Cry.

-> My parents when I was 7: Go to your room! My Parents now: Come out of your room!

->Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me. I'll laugh at you.

-> Dear Exams, Be great, slow down and most importantly, be easy to me.

-> Dude. I was there, don’t try to change the story.

-> When you're at someone's house: Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"

-> Exams- To your friends: DUDE, I'M GOING TO FAIL! To your parents: The test was easy.

-> "Mom, I have good news!" "You got a 100 in your math test?“ "Mom, I said good news, not a miracle.“

-> It takes me hours just to think about starting homework.

-> Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" Me: "A teacher."

-> In your bed: It's 6:00, You close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 8:00. At school: It's 1:30, You close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:31.

-> I love when my friends laugh is funnier than the joke.

-> I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it.

-> "Are you cold?" No, I'm on vibrate mode.

-> Teacher: Where the is your math homework? Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.